Each night I carefully unfold the fabric
that held us together
and lay it delicately over my torso.
Wrapping my arms around it
I hold the ghost of you
molding your creases to me
as I breathe you in
exhausting my grief and expounding my love and gratitude
to experience again what it is like to have you in my arms.
Feeling the warm pulse of your body
as the blood I cherish so deeply
courses through your veins.
Your vulnerable eyes
hold me in a loving stillness
that seems to last
Your soft supple lips smile
as you press your heart against mine
and lovingly whisper in my ear
“You got this babe.
how alive you are.
I breath you in
and with an exhale
on to your neck.
I talk to you.
Saying what I never knew I didn’t
until I relax into the stillness of the night
curled tightly into me
as I lay there
holding you silently
I am here
we are safe.
Keeping you warm.
My fingers crawl through your hair
and my arm crosses your heart
and holds you tight.
Each night I play the movie over and over
Each morning only to awaken and see
that the only heart I was holding
was my own
Stains harbor below
from unheard tears
dripping down my face
on the beautiful fabric that I treasure and continues to hold me.
Reminding me of you.
Reminding me why I am alone.
Inspiring me to find home
and breaking my heart open even more.
So that I never again not hear it.
So that I will never again leave myself
So that I will never again leave love.
The sheer deep plum color of your ghost
provides the unnecessary knowing
that for a moment
just a moment
I had my queen in my arms.