Many a nights
I have I stood on
the deck of a vessel that carried me
away from my love.
Tears in my eyes
pondering at the skies
why would I ever leave.
It ate at my soul like a ravenous rat
Unable to understand
Helplessness and hopelessness takes over
in the confusion.
As I look up
the stars reminding me that there is more
to this story.
I did not leave love.
I left myself
because I believed that I needed to go somewhere else to find me
to be something
to prove something
to be enough
to be what others needed me to be
The pain that broke open my heart
was that I left
to try to fix something that was already perfect.
I just could not see it.
That is why I wept
because I was living a lie.
I did not believe in myself
Not enough.
All the while
There was nothing wrong with me
there never has been.
I simply forgot who I was.
I have been someone else.
too scared
to expose my greatest resource thinking it was fargile
And I did not even know it.
Until the clarity of the path
or even just the next step is awoken
there is a ravenous longing
and a reckoning
that rests in our bodies like
a race horse cooped up
waiting behind a gate.
Not knowing or understanding why it is there
When I was born to run, play and dance
I have been waiting for a bell to ring and door to open
and with my hungry body lunge out on to the earth
not knowing what was around the corner
only that what was there had been waiting for me
since the beginning of time.
in our inability to hear
devastates everything that
we created that was a lie.
I felt like
Like water to the body or love to the soul.
What was waiting for me was me.
It was life and only me that had kept me
in a cage all this time
while the bell was simply an arms length away
just out of sight.
As many times as I was told that,
I did not believe it or maybe I just never saw the cage.
For I did not know what I did not know.
I have been hibernating.
For six months
A bear in the desert
Nursing myself and relaying the
A time of healing and awakening,
shifting and expansion
exposing myself to this season
with a renewed vibrance and sense of being.
I was just too scared to listen to my heart
Too scared to expose all my fears
Too feel the emasculating worthlessness
that was overwhelming me
The pain of the heart
is only because we are hiding it.
Tears are only there
because they are the
tension of something we were trying to hold on to
but was never really ours.
Nothing can be owned.
When we try we can only lose that thing we are so desperately trying to hold on to
because there is something in that thing that we feel like we do not have already inside of us.
To keep a bird in its cage is to never see its flight
Who are we truly trying to keep safe?
But what is it to be inspired by the bird and all of its grace, beauty and expression
Like trying to drive a plane through traffic.
It was meant to fly
Just like the heart was meant to feel and
Crete with fear or your heart.
Either way will guide you home
because it is so painful when we are not vibrating from the pulse beneath our chest
it motivates us to never do that again
that is the sting and the emotional awakening
when you betray your heart
you betray your world and everything around you
and you will know it
because it will keep you separate
in a constant
state of grief, depression and anger
not to punish you but to remind you that this is not you
it is part of you
It is a feeling connected to love
and that is to be honored
because it is serving you
it is freely connected to love because in that moment you lost yourself
you forgot and allowed
fear to be your barrier
instead of your guide
and that is sad and beautiful
beautiful that it can be so clear
beautiful that we get to feel that much again
Grief is an expression of a loss of love
It is a death
and a moment of rebirth
To deny it is to deny life waiting to happen
By comparison death is rarely in physical form
Its true meaning is simply to shift
To transition into something new
An experience to explore
to experience what you did not know you did not know
With less tension
For each tear is a release from the heart
of something that felt so dear or so important
An attachment only to realize that we can attach to nothing
because everything is free
We can only play with the world
in the dance of co-creation.
To control or force another is bondage
And the world will not have it
and consistency remind you of that
soul you try.
Because everything that has tension
Has to break.
Because everything was meant to be free
Free to choose
a partner, a lover, a friend,
a home
a passion
a life
an occupation
It is all a choice
even when we feel like we do not have one.
There are no accidents
Letting go into the darkness of potential
of surprise
of joy
of the unknown
It is all waiting to play.
The spirit is too strong.
My heart beats for me.
So that I can live.
Because I have a purpose.
A quest.
A calling.
A choice.
It is not to be found for it is waiting patiently
always
like a shadow in the dark
a breath in the air
It is to be surrendered to
to feed me
to surprise me
to play with me
It awakens my blood
for it rests hidden in every cell of my body
waiting to be accepted
for permission
for the choice to be made
to embody our deepest fear
and finally. . . finally
become one.
It is already in me.
It always has been.
I was born with it.
Like a book
A dance
A painting
Gestating like a child,
A seed
A star
It knows nothing else
To try to make it anything but
is to blind ourselves to our own reality
and deny us our greatest truth
and destroy our beauty, vibrance and life.
It is why we die.
It is why we live.
For growth and discovery
So that my life, my body and my soul
Can fulfill its fullest expression
My gift back to the universe
from where I was born.
The magic of the stars
of space
of vibration in all of its exquisite form