Updated: Jul 13, 2022
I walk assured that I am coming home. As the presence of every step now comforts and excites me with something familiar yet new.
I am rediscovering what I have known for what feels like millions of years Finally beginning to see through the lens of my heart a book.
A book I have been scouring lifetimes to find. Unaware that this sacred piece of art is invisible to the seeking eye.
Under the mask of my efforts I now know I was ironically avoiding it. Instead seeking my worthiness to even hold it I was a living contradiction. because the book has been in my hands ever since I began.
All I had to do was open it.
Instead I refused to believe it was there keeping myself in a pattern of falsely looking. Along the way sacrificing everything that mattered each time bringing me back to where I began. Numb.
Full of Knowledge
and looking for permission to create again while I made things in small boxes hidden from sight keeping me silent and safe from the world until I was ready.
Perhaps I was avoiding it because I did not believe that the answers to life could live in something so thin. Perhaps.
More likely it is because I knew it would be the end of an old story. My story. Which was only in place to keep me from the things I feared most. My feelings. Living again. Loving again. A story that I have been holding on to, like a boey in a storm, for eons A story I thought was everything, that needed an ‘epic’ ending where I would finally fix everything right my wrongs save the princess and like in the movies make it back. How long I have been kidding myself.
Epic it was, but not because of the conquests, distant lands, battles, heartache, loves, lessons and losses those were all fought from the mind for so long thinking it was the heart. Fooling me. Fooling myself. Until now.
Epicness is not measured in how stories end or what you do, but in how it expands the heart and its ability to share it truth to play to co-create to express the soul vulnerably and fully in the form of creation.
Epic is to explore and express the entire physical and emotional spectrum and potential of what it is to be human. To breathe through the boundaries of fear and into the limitless possibilities and joys of life.
As I step back I bask in the overwhelming gratitude for the extraordinary beauty and perfection that this chapter has been. An entity all to itself in the middle of a book that never truly ends It floats there with its effortless persistence and patience knowing I would find my way one day and in the mean time go on all the adventures I needed to get back home Again. Writing them down as I went along.
I see now that what I thought was everything was simply another amazing chapter in this extraordinary journey to love and it can end in any way and at any time but like all great stories as much as we may fight it love will eventually find a way.
I finally have begun to express what my heart has for lifetimes longed to. Silenced by fear. for reason that no longer matter because it is time. Time to begin the new story by finishing and honoring the old. For it was grand. so grand it needs no specific ending except to feel again and express the hidden pain sorrow grief joy love of all of it that I have been holding to for so many lifetimes and finally create something with it instead of destroying everything trying to protect it.
So I raise the now transparent glass of the past honoring you my dear story and breath in your last amorous drop. Your vessel is cold making your presence boldly known. I invite the experience of you. My lips delicately press against your curve and pour your rich vibrance into me as I surrender to the experience of you. Of life.
You settle. On my vulnerable palate. Marinating in me your vibrant colors and deep love. The taste of unlimited potential permeates from you. An ancient robust wine you are intoxicating me with hints of other dimensions and characteristics of time, love and sensuality. As you move over, around and under my tongue you begin to play and reveal your secrets in the form of feelings.
Secrets that have patiently withstood war, famine and loss. Secrets only seen in the presence of love.
Swallowing you I let go as you effortlessly slide into me frigid like arctic water so I don’t miss a single moment of you dancing down my throat expressing yourself one last time as you crawl through my nervous system and into my heart.
At first I think desperately wanting me not to forget perhaps hoping I will hold on and pour yet another glass. but in truth it is so I do not miss a single moment as you melt into every part of me. becoming part of me part of my story. Our story. You are the period at the end this chapter. and I savor this moment realizing for so long I thought you were trying to force me to listen but you were really just trying to help me feel so I could come home to myself. To you.
All those lifetimes you just wanted me to hear your heart. To experience you fully and share mine with you so we could finally create together. Instead I didn’t believe you hid from you ran from you fought with you and just read you with my mind.
It is the reason I thought you were trying to get me to drink yet again another glass. I thought you were wearing a mask. but you were only telling the truth a truth that I was refusing to hear hidden in every sound. every bite every kiss every touch every drop because I thought you were a lie. At least that’s the story I was telling myself just to keep me from you because you made me feel too much thinking you were trying to hurt me. I realize I was wrong and that I am so much more and you knew it. It is why you have stayed with me for so long. So many lifetimes.
Though this time I am forgetting our past no longer needing to drink from that glass because there is nothing to fix and I no longer need to hold on to remember you. You are in me now forever. This chapter is forever a part of me and why I am.
As I feel you now I realize that this last drop is more powerful then all the others combined but only because I can feel it with something beyond my senses finally able to hear the story you have been trying to tell me. Tell all of us for so long
I cherish this moment I savor you finally able to hear you Grieving at how many real moments I lost My own tears begin to fall celebrating your arrival in what has been there all along. Your love Your persistence Your compassion Your dedication to me. To all of us. And finally surrender and in a breath inviting you lovingly inside the womb of my heart
I pick up the book
and delicately dust time off of its cover revealing an ancient encryption hidden beneath. The words Human Handbook carved lovingly into the surface
I slowly open it. The cover gracefully cutting through the air landing open in my hands that have held it for so long. The pages blank. Except one. The first one. It is of the next chapter yet to be written.
Though this writing is in no language I have seen before it is one I have felt. Deep in my bones.
Infecting my marrow they begin to talk I see the symbols slowly fall up off of the page transcribing the message into me so I remember again.
“It is only when you feel the depth and fullness of anything that you learn your truth, your potential what matters and finally see that these stories that kept you from everything were all a lie. All because we were scared to feel again scared to love that much again scared to lose that much again So you deliberately forgot the purpose of life The privilege the beauty and the incredible opportunity that this and every life provides. And that is okay.
Your only job is to feel. That Is. It. Its is the only true means of communication To Feel. The Earth beneath your feet and all of its offerings To Feel. The Song of a lover gifting their heart through their eyes To Feel. The sun coating your skin with its expression To Feel. The rock of the ocean wrapping you naked in its womb To Feel. The rush of wind against your face and all of its wisdom because when you feel you learn you remember you connect you surrender you love you live and everything is clear as you create from the only language that the heart understands and begin to write your new story A story of creation A story of love A story of play A story of sensuality A story of magic A story of answers and possibilities because with the heart there are no questions no problems no fight no fog only answers and they are always correct because your heart can never lie. It is home and once you are there you will begin to hear everything The Air The Earth The Fire The Water and everything they have ever had a hand in an act of creating because everything sings and the mountains and the hills the rivers and the streams the forests and the deserts the rains and the fires the earthquakes and the storms the whales and the mosquitos those are her song but you can only truly hear it when you let yourself feel again and only then can you truly play.
So take off your clothes Step on to the Earth Breath in the moment Jump into the cold ocean and dance by the fire. Become human again They are waiting for you to remember how to be human again So let go open and feel. Again for the first time.