I am writing an extra post today.
More of a conversation between myself and my channel. I'm not sure what is happening though I want to know and I want to get to the bottom of things. To the root of this piece of this adventure and myself. Or perhaps that is just me being impatient and missing the opportunity and point to this moment.
I came to Costa Rica for a reason and I am trusting that it is unraveling itself in due time and that I can be patient, yet my system is going through a lot of tension and stories are coming to the surface about money and safety. I guess I just don't want to feel those stories. Being able to take care of myself and my inner kid. Why wouldn't I believe in myself? Because I fucked up. With my mother. Because I made a mistake. Or did I? Why was my system so terrified to be home? Perhaps in another lifetime I hurt someone. That is all I keep seeing and apparently it was so traumatic I have hidden it from my own eyes and could no longer trust my own instincts and consequently have not felt worthy of my gifts and kept myself from spaces of leadership and from my gifts for fear that I would repeat that pattern. So instead I have just been taking care of people while I have struggled and kept myself small. Why? is this the game?
It is so strange. What is this life? What is this life? I am here and I am willing. This must be some game. Some huge fun game that I forgot was a a bunch of fun. It feels like its all about sex. Sexuality at its root. Sexual energy is creation of all kinds. Though all energy an be used to create or 'destroy'. Or shift or develop or transform. That the root of our discord goes back to intimacy and our own connection with ourselves and each other the planet. The feminine with abandonment and the masculine with freedom and trust. Can I trust myself? Can I trust the feminine? Can I see another story that has been written? That has been trying to be written all along? My own feminine or masculine? What is this game? Are we simply characters and archetypes in a play? Are we just here to remember love and write love stories? Now we are here to create from the limitations that we have been given into the limitless that is possible. To allow ourselves to feel the old and buried stories and bring them to the surface and honor them. Hear them. Love them and see their gifts. That is why they come to the surface repeatedly. There is love under all stories. Can you hear them? All stories no matter how dark they are? The reason they are dark is because they are misunderstood and what is love is hiding in the dark. That is what a dark story is. It is when something is perceived as evil or bad it is dark because it is misunderstood and the treasure that lies within it is resting in the darkness. That is scary because it kills all the other stories. Fear can no longer exist in the space of love. Where is the love? Where is the play? How do you want to play. How do you want to share? What is your story and that is where it begins. Begin with stillness or presence focusing on what you love most. What you care about most and allow it to inspire you. To speak to you. To infect you and your body and your heart. Let it speak to you. What do you care most about? When you are in the present no one can hear you they can only feel you because you are in a new moment and the only moment you can be in which is now. You are like a wild animal. Do something different. Be unpredictable even by yourself and let life move you. Let yourself be inspired into action, movement or stillness or anything. Where are you inspired to move to go to be? What do you want? What excites you? Allow that vibration to prosper. Let the possibilities come in. Let yourself move in ways you are scared to move and be inspired as you lean into the curiosity of what could happen if you do it beyond your old story. What other story would excite you?
Channel: Can you see the old story and how it was love? You can only see what you can see. You don't know what you don't know. You don't know how love is writing your story. And you're not supposed to yet. Not yet. It takes time. It is buried in the depths of your emotions. Of your heart as you peck away at it with your keyboard and life. Wondering if it will ever be over. It never ends. It simply transitions into another story. A new story. A story of inspiration and hope and believing again in yourself. In you. In life. In love. In the feminine. In possibility and in what you care about most. In pleasure, in passion. In pain in everything that brings you alive. Pain is pleasure. It is repressed emotion. condensed energy tethered to an old story that is yet to be heard with gifts. So much energy, heart and love trying to be restrained. So many gifts underneath its expression. Hidden in the fear of feeling that much again. For the heart can only break open. Once that flows it is pleasure. It is flow. It is love. What do you want to do? What is your fuck yes!? What is your 10 out of 10? What are you scared to do that is keeping you from you? From Life? From Love? From your power? From everything you have ever thought possible? Money? A phone call? What? Belief? Caring? Loving? What are you being called to do?
There are two ways to remember - you can remember what happened and feel it or you can remember who you are and feel that. They are all connected. That is why is is so terrifying to feel. Because either way you begin to remember and reconnect to the feeling and the story that you thought you couldn't survive. The one that's hidden in the dark. The one that kills all the others. Love. Yet here you are.