I Don’t Know Shit
Updated: Dec 5, 2021
I’ve been on this ride for just over 10 weeks now. It has been an adventure though more than anything it has been confusing. Wondering why I am on it and wondering what else I would possibly do. Wondering what I am not yet doing or allowing in this process. What am I not seeing. Is it about more vulnerability? More Trust? More curiosity? More Presence? I set out on this because I felt called and I didn’t know what else to do. I feel like I have gotten to a certain point in my work - a level I had hoped to attain for quite some time though now that I have reached it I feel like none of it matters. Nothing I do matters and nothing truly resonates as a business. It feels so false and forced. I am sharing my gifts, whatever that means, at a beautiful event in Mexico City. A friend spoke of my website and said it wasn’t very aesthetic, easy to navigate or informative. My instant reaction is I don’t care. And I don’t. I‘m tired of doing anything for anyone else. For basing my choices on everyone else’s needs or expectations, fears or desires. I might be inspired by them though I feel no motivation to actually create a website or make sure it is anything. It’s strange to feel that way. I realize I have felt that way for quite some time. Forcing myself to put something out there so people could see me as being professional or reputable to understand me and what I do in the world though the deeper I go the more challenging it is for me to articulate what it is I do or am. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I thought I did until it all fell apart. Which is a beautiful thing as it can open up the possibility of more though the deconstruction of what I thought life was and I am can be terrifying. Confused and curious. Where all these fears, desires and stories came from. Everything that is in the way of them and the dreams and desires I have long forgotten - perhaps for lifetimes. Hidden in the landscape of my heart, mind and body. An edifice of love stories waiting to be heard and desires waiting to be experienced. Wanting to live them all though wondering. Just wondering. What is the point of any of this. I keep doing things for the sake of doing them. I want to write a blog I say. And part of me does and the other part just doesn’t give a shit. I decided I just wanted to do it for me and then I discovered I just wasn’t caring enough to even do that despite having the time. Wanting to celebrate the people that have helped and inspired me - The extraordinary people I have met and seen. Part of me feeling it as an obligation and the other excited to just get it out of me and on to a screen or paper. I feel like my cup has been full for a while now. The universe beckoning to me to empty it. I feel it though I just don’t care and honestly I don’t know anything. I don’t know what is real anymore. I don’t know why I am here. I don’t know what other people go through and I don’t know if what I have experienced is normal. Normal. That’s . . And I don’t want to be anything but what I am whatever that is. Normal or not though to be normal. . . I don’t know what that is anymore. The box we are born into. I guess to be ostracized can be a compliment. This all looks like a bizarre video game. Like the Truman show and I feel like I am the butt to this huge celestial joke. I don’t understand why I see what I see and if it is even real. Though what is real? And who cares if it is. A friend of mine said, “you’re all already dead. We all are.” Interesting perspective. Then what is the fucking point. And what does dead even mean?
I’ve seen so many past lives though are they real? I don’t know. Why do I see them? Why would that be an accident? I didn’t make that up. They just come to me like ideas and desires and fears. What are they? And can’t everyone see these things and if so - why not? It feels like if this is the universe and we are all made up of the same things then all of this is accessible - we can all do anything we want and create anything we want. Every and anything is possible. It is all just malleable light (love). Granted it is nice to be here. I want to respect and appreciate all of that. I have moments of forgetting what I have seen and get lost in the moment feeling like I am in a scene from a play or a film believing that what I do or say can matter or make a difference. And then I get out of it and see it from other paradigms or coordinated creation and just weep or get lost again. I feel like I haven’t been accepted into the cool kids group. Though that was my MO growing up. Always the misfit. Always hiding in second place while expressing extraordinary levels of rage and self hate knowing I can do more though wondering why I don’t and getting lost in my anger. And through all of that barely anyone ever asked me - “Are you ok?” It was always a problem. I was always that problem to be managed or put up with in those situations. Looking back I just wondered why that little kid was so angry and afraid. Always hiding behind my mother’s legs and then wanting to run from her. What haven’t I heard or seen yet. What is yet to be revealed or expressed that has been longing inside of me for what feels like eons of time. Lifetimes. What is this inside of me and what happened to me that was so powerful and terrifying that I forgot how to let go and play and have felt scared to even attempt to do so again. So many time I have channeled Issai and the words, “What happened to me? Why would anyone hurt me? What did I do?” have come out of me. What happened to him. To me. That could possible cause me to forget how to play. The most natural expression of being a creator. I don’t know what happened to me and it scares me and makes me not want to share. That’s the worst part. Not caring and not wanting to share. I hate that because all that part of me ever wants to do is share and help people and go on adventures and discover the awe of life. The magic that is everything. I still cry almost every time I remember that. Often I ask to see what happened yet don’t get an answer. I don’t see anything. It feels like my child got kidnapped and I don’t know what happened. I just want to know what happened. I want that part to come home to me.
I have seen a lot of what I think happened to me / that inner child part of me that wants to come out and play again in several lifetimes. Though an intuitive recently gave me another answer to help fill in the story. Again, I don’t know what is real though it made sense. It really made sense. It was really intense. I don’t believe in evil though sometimes things will challenge me to think otherwise. That said they compliment each other and prod each other forward writing love stories Because a hero to some is a villain to another though, like in the acting, there are no bad guys/girls. Everyone thinks they are right. - and they are from their perspective and get to dance in that creation weaving together worlds. I’m just still wondering what mine is. In the mean time, I‘ll just keep peddling.