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Day 4: Leaning into discomfort and trust

Updated: Dec 5, 2021

Milford to Greenwich 45 miles

I left for Greenwich. It was brisk, but refreshing. About 43 miles, it would take a few hours to arrive depending on stops and how many little adventures my intuition took me on. For all I knew I wouldn’t even make it to Greenwich. Though for some reason I felt called to go there instead of pursuing the WarmShowers in the neighboring city. I wanted to go all in though at times my energy can be split. It was a beautiful ride. It took me through various coastal Connecticut towns including Fairfield, which was full of massive plantation-like homes. As I passed through I passed over a bridge and stopped for a photo. While I was there a couple men were fishing. They struck up a conversation with me during which, Joel, began to give me a fishing lesson. He talked about how they caught the ‘big fish’ (38”). He said they caught small fish and kept them on the line until the big fish ate the small one. He pulled out the bait so I could see it and started showing me how and where they were moving through the water. I haven’t fish much though to listen to him was like listening to an art lesson. He had this quiet and meditative passion for it that I could feel in his voice. He was sweet man and generous with his share. He recently retired and seemed excited to finally have the time to visit a lot of his friends in New England. Shortly before that I made my way through Bridgeport. An abandoned manufacturing town. the money seems to have left with the companies. The poverty was very apparent. I shared one of my sandwiches with Frank. A man on the street asking for anything. I hope he liked it. I like sharing things. It was just peanut butter compliments of David. I found it super filling and the bread was really soft. It is always so interesting to see so much poverty next to such extraordinary wealth.

When I got to Darian I paused. I noticed a Whole Foods on my google map and thought it would be fun to go there to have a couple samples. I didn’t need it. It just excited me. I love Whole Foods. So I took a small detour to stop by. It’s fun to look at the amazing food they have there. Though, unfortunately for me, they didn’t have any samples. That’s ok. I had a nice talk with the man who was collecting the shopping carts and the store is always pleasant to walk through. The other thing that caught my eye on my map was Nero Cafe. I just wanted to check it out and see if I could drop by to just rest and get online for a little while. If you haven’t been there they are super cool and the coffee was great! That’s when I met Moneek and Christian. I was asking him a bunch of questions about the place. Despite only being his forth day, he was a passionate wealth of Nero Cafe knowledge. They were cool with me chilling there and about 40 minutes into answering messages and updating my website Christian surprised with an amazing latte. It was sooo good. I’m so grateful when things like that show up. Everyone there was so sweet and genuine. I’m officially a huge fan. After about 75 minutes I left for Greenwich. Greenwich has been on my radar ever since I was a little kid. One of my heroes - tennis legend Ivan Lendl - lived there. The little kid in me was hoping I would get a chance to see him. I was open.

When I arrived I pulled up to the Greenwich city hall to take a phone call before discovering the town. By then it was just getting dark. I felt a call to Greenwich Ave where there is a huge concentration of shops and restaurants. I walked up and down with genuine curiosity of what drew Ivan Lendl to live here. It had a very cosmopolitan chic feel mixed with historical architecture and radiant cathedrals. The restaurants were dynamic. Towers of fire beckoned to me as each restaurant’s fragrant and dynamic menus infected my senses. It was fun. I really enjoyed seeing this part of the town and it was nice not feeling any need to need anything except heat. The temperature had dropped into the 30's and was expected to be 37 for most of the night. My system had not adjusted to this. So I warmed up in the local Starbucks for hour slightly dreading their closing. They too were generous. April handed me a coffee on my way out. She said ‘We’re gone dump it out anyway. Do you want one?” They were awesome and super supportive. I’ve found a lot of kind businesses give me space to ground and warm up often with a complimentary coffee - none of which I have asked for. This night I was particularly grateful as I stepped back out into the cold at 8pm wondering how the next 12 hours would go. It truly is the only thing on this trip that I find myself revolving around. It kind of owns me. The GPS is also a bit tricky as I just spent he last hour cycling in the dark only to find myself end up exactly where I was the hour before. Sadly comical though we’re getting through it.

Back to Greenwich - When I left I found myself calm and curious how the night would play out. In Starbucks they recommended that I pitch a hammock in Bruce Park. I passed it on my way in town. It was beautiful with various rock structures that I though might have a cave or two I could crawl in. At least in there the temperature is constant. I found myself relaying with such presence and calm all the interesting things that were coming up for with with regard to my situation, society, culture, money, cold, trust, etc. Inside I could see my energy complex split trying to figure out what I needed to do to balance my energy to try to manifest a warm space to sleep. Then again I thought perhaps I’m just supposed to feel the cold. This kind of temperature in a hammock with no sleeping bag is, for me, intense. My body starts to shake though what it feels like it is actually shaking is vibrational trauma - a story - that has been trapped in my body like a record for all time wanting to be heard. To come out. It usually does. Whenever I get triggered by cold my body naturally produced what I call heart language. It’s a fascinating process to experience as this sound comes out of my body. So perhaps I was just supposed to feel it. I didn’t know. All I knew was that I had been walking for 2.5 hours up and down the street taking in the town and sharing my discoveries with my partner until I sat outside of a club that was still open 22 minutes past closing and they were hoppin’. the place was packed and the music was great. My kind of music They kind that moves me and makes me want to dance, which I love. Get a drink or two in me and give me some funk and I’ll move all night. It’s easily one of my favorite things in the world - especially with Anne. She’s fun to show off and play with and brings out the play in both of us.

So I sat outside this bar/restaurant for what felt like 20 or 30 minutes. The only other thing open was a diner up the street that closed at 1. As I stared into the window at all the beautifully dressed people I saw myself separate myself from them because of how I was dressed and because I wasn’t using money - nor do I have it right now even if I wanted to. My bank account is down to two dollars and something and my savings is about the same with no cash in my wallet, which is ok. That’s part of this. Though in being in that I felt like it wasn’t okay for me to go into an expensive establishment if I didn’t have any intention to purchase anything - especially in an environment that felt so aristocratic and wealthy. It’s so interesting to see what happens to me when I’m choosing to have no money. In truth I wanted to go in to get warm, in hopes of discovering a place to stay and to dance. It would have been fun to get a break emotionally and truly engage with play either socially or physically. Though I stopped myself deeming myself unworthy. It was so interesting to watch and see especially in hind sight. It’s amazing how much I am affected my money with regard to my self worth. The little kid in me though, perhaps Ivan Lendl is in there and he’s let me stay in his guest room or pitch my hammock outside. I missed that it was also an opportunity to step through that and just walk in and see what happens. I don’t like feeling like I need anything from anyone and that is the main reason I am engaging with them and nothing else. It feels desperate and at times fake - my biggest trigger. I just can’t do it. Perhaps that was the biggest thing that prevented me from entering the space - that my energy was split hoping someone would invite me to stay in a warm room instead of just enjoying myself, the people there and stepping into my own discomfort. Either way I was going to get an opportunity to do that.

So I decided to go to the diner up the street. They were really sweet. Everyone spoke Spanish. A fond reminder of all the time I have spent in Costa Rica and Mexico. They helped me get a booth where I could plug in my stuff and one waiter even secretly gave me some hot tea. He told me to tell anyone that asked that it wasn’t my tea bag. It was priceless and felt so good in my hands. So I sat there meditating, playing sudoku, writing, relaying messages though I could still see my energy split with the fear of having to sleep outside or cycle all night to try to stay warm. Come 1am, they closed. Nothing had come though up to this point. Perhaps I was just supposed to sleep outside. Perhaps there was a gift for me hidden in the cold. I suspect there is. It is one of the main vibrational traumas hidden in the human physiology. I was no different. I had already. Missed the opportunity to walk in the bar. The waiter recommended a ‘bat cave’ connected to a school he went to as a kid where he smoked pot and the park adjacent to it. Neither was appealing though I was open. It just didn’t resonate. It was an hour away and it was 1am and 37 degrees.

I stepped outside and in the process of unlocking my bike I could feel the cold in my bones literally. I had looked up halfway homes and shelters and anything else I could think of. The closest one was 40 minutes away. I looked up the fire department. There was one about .5 miles away. Maybe less. I rode down the hill and the building was open. When I explained the situation to the police officer behind the glass he spoke to the fireman behind him and they said as long as I was out by the morning when people were starting to come in I could stay in what they called the warming room (the lobby). A collection of metal chairs and a marble like floor. I took it though part of me was wondering if I had copped out. not even going to see if there was a cave there or attempting to set up the hammock. I came to terms with it and decided I would go down in the morning and check it out when the sun was up. I compromised with myself. It wouldn’t be the same though it would be something and this was still a new experience.

I settled in and woke up at 6:30. It was still dark out. I was waiting for the sun to come out. Since almost no one was in the building I stayed until 8 and then went down to check out the park. It was beautiful. I didn’t see any caves or too many places to set up though I know it would have been possible.

After I left the park I wanted to see if there was a different coffee shop where I would get on line for a bit and warm up before I took off for NYC. I got that and so much more.

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