Updated: Dec 5, 2021
I looked through my blogs of days past that I have left unpublished in an effort to let go, forget, allow . . Something. Perhaps I just needed space. Though I know that you can’t get rid of energy nor do I want to. And all stories are designed to inspire and open the heart. I haven’t read these particular blogs in a couple years. As I revisit them I am seeing my life and others from a new perspective that causes me to cry wondering what I missed and why I didn’t see it before. Or did I which is why I hung on so long. Knowing it was there even though I couldn’t feel it. I am discovering a new perspective of life and past relationships that makes me sad. Though at the time I know I was so close to the fire that perhaps I couldn’t see it. I don’t know. I want to believe in people and have always been passionate about helping others live their greatest life - to live their dreams though perhaps at the same time avoiding my own thinking I can’t have it. A dream I felt like I've forgotten. Perhaps that relationship was just proving me to leave her alone and just be an example. I don’t know. What I do know is that dreams never go away. For they have no fear. They endlessly wait - patiently for you to remember them as they whisper into your soul through the cracks of the walls you thought you needed to protect yourself from failure, fear and pain. Remembering that dreams come to us in feelings And that in all of the pain it is just life trying to tell us to let go and feel all of it. For feeling is what It’s light piercing through the cracks of your, “I‘m still here and I’ll give up on you even when you do. Even when you forget because its part of why you exist.”
So what really matters. Lately it hasn’t felt like anything really matters. That this is all bullshit. Though wondering if part of me expressing that is also just to keep me from what does matter. We determine what matters. We create meaning in things - in relationships, objects, ourselves, places . . All creations that are part of a story. Our story. So when everything falls apart what really matters? What is the door that keeps you going? We can say love though that is ethereal. It is a feeling that can only be felt as hard as we try to articulate it into words. So Then what is the door? Just to feel. All of it. I often wonder why I am still here. What the point is of any of this the more I know the more complicated it seems to get. Until I realize I never knew anything. What is a thought? What is the mind? A vibrational treasure trove transmitting ideas and pieces of stories from sources helping us feel everything on our way back home to love. Because we are here to experience all of it. To truly live As we inspire one another with the courage of following our hearts. That feeling that can only take us to our dreams. So just keep feeling And trust as you continue to put one foot in front of the other. Wheels spinning taking you to new lands and into the hearts of humanity and life as we know it and never thought possible as you embark on endless adventures limited only by your imagination and willingness to trust and keep showing up. Just keep showing up because something has to happen.
I was just re-reading a blog post I wrote about my mother’s death. It’s original text I slightly altered because I wanted to remember it differently. I hate lies and in there I wrote one and I believe edited it back to what originally happened. As I read the copy of my mothers last moments I felt again what mattered. It’s sad to me that it often takes death to help us remember that. My grandmother taught my family that though it seems like we still didn’t get the message 20 years later. I tried for years to bring my family back together again and a much as I tried no one seemed to want it. So after years of trying I gave up. My mother hid my sister and I from our family for reasons I still don’t understand. From 1983 on the only family member she would ever see again would be her brother, Dr. Joe, the week before she died. I still don’t understand how she died. The entire experience felt surreal. Conducted. It was disturbing for me. It just didn’t makes sense. I still don’t get it. That kind of confusion can be haunting.
Despite this, in those last moments, so many things that we thought mattered suddenly don’t and often exposes a new level of truth and vulnerability that runs deep into the heart often revealing what has been hidden for decades if not lifetimes. A swan song sent out into the universe as a gift to all those that are fortunate enough to feel it With the hopes of inspiring in that vibration to once again remember who we are, why we are here and what really matters. Secrets and feeling kept inside for fear of death forgetting that it is those exact feelings and secrets that makes us feel alive. that inspires us all to live As we leap into new profound truths that are, at their core, so simple. You are everything and everything is you. Can you feel it. because it is a feeling. It is all a feeling. you are here to feel all of it. For that is the language of the universe and the more we feel the more we Remember. the more we receive and the more we are inspired to create, share and experience once chapter at at time our limitless potential. At least this is what I keep telling myself as I just keep trusting that if I just keep listening and showing up something will happen.