A Poem About Hope: Page 132
A Poem: Page 132
At a time of great despair I was looking for hope
I was looking for something to hold on to
I wanted something outside of myself to tell me that it was going to be OK
that I was going to be OK
I wanted to know the end of the story.
I wanted to know If I made the right choice.
I wanted to know if I had time left.
I just wanted to know.
As a youth I used to read the choose your own adventure series
scouring through the tales
always looking ahead to see the end of each option before I officially chose
because I didn't want to die
I didn't want to be wrong
and I didn't want the story to end.
Though this time it wasn't a book
or was it
Even if it was I knew not how to look ahead
The pages were locked
Blank until they made a commitment to write the next chapter.
I had to choose what direction it would go.
All vastly different options each having their own set of initial obstacles fears and possibilities
Each one a different story to be written
They all felt like cliffs scoured with small pockets of water between the huge jagged rocks far below
One felt like space still frightening but only because it was a complete mystery
A void that felt foreign
out of control
Fear and pain was replaced with curiosity and the unknown
Which I found strangely comforting
Enough to jump.
So I stepped into space
this unknown land
it was unlike anything I'd ever done before
And the stakes were as high as they had ever been.
It didn't make sense but it made perfect sense
because it was the only one that I felt everywhere
it was the only one that created a sense of wonder
was it the right one?
I didn't know
I didn't even know what the right one meant anymore
perhaps that I would survive or that I would live
if you choose to step into the void turn to page 132 and you choose to step on the cliffs turn to page 97
I chose page 132
this time without looking.
It's funny how things show up
in the middle of it all I stood silently
just holding on
waiting in a space of numbed silence
in constant chaos
in a supermarket
in the checkout line
in myself when I saw a book it felt like an unlikely home for hope
in a moment of fuck it.
I grabbed it
a small collection of stories pages filled with the journeys of those who had passed over only to return to share their extraordinary experiences with us
and on this day
They were experiences that in truth I know have no words
though the ones in this book were more than sufficient.
I read ravenously pealing away at the pages like a child watching a movie for the first time
I thought I was reading an attempt to come to peace with all the possibilities
to find anything but fear or even just to sleep through the night
If only once replacing my relentless full body sweat soaked night terrors with anything else but
please unicorns puppy dogs ice cream trucks
As constant as my terrors were
it felt like they were trying to tell me something through language I did not yet speak
or Perhaps I couldn't yet hear
I couldn't see past my fears.
My translator was broken.
Whatever the reason I read it gave me peace
even if it was only for a moment
even if it was just a distraction
for a moment
where I was thinking about something else
anything else it was a moment that provided a sense of bliss
that lasted for days
as I got lost in the stillness of another person’s journey
with death I suddenly felt understood
and in a strange way felt heard
calming my heart
my imagination expanded my awareness into what felt possible
and when I was here for.
My body forgetting the story I’d been telling it for months
deep in the magic of this newfound freedom
Then I suddenly saw something
a life raft hidden in the form of questions.
Buried on a page the letters spoke
revealing that some souls those who were away the longest were asked 2 questions
How much did you learn and how much did you love
17 years ago that gave my hand in Oak tree
to firmly wrapped itself around as it wrapped around me
sinking its roots deep into the Earth
holding me here
maybe it saved my life
I don't know
I don't know
but when I read that
a long lost part of me began to remember
In my quest to understand others
I began to understand myself.
It gave me purpose
A way of understanding why it were mattered it was a little life raft to hold on to
if only for a moment
so I could again enjoy this moment
so I could see anything else but my fears
so I could see possibility not to stay alive but actually live
so I could feel the playfulness of the water rolling under my pack
as it held me taking me to unseen foreign lands
so I could feel the vibrant nourishing warmth of the sun's hands
holding my face
so I could feel the cool and wind
tease my skin alive again
and so I could eagerly dance again
on the earth
her beautiful dynamic playground that has
been trying to nourish me
giving me space to create wondering what I would do next
to see what we can do together
as I travel across the vast seas
she lovingly awaited my return in the distance
hoping that in my desperation and separation
I would again appreciate her gifts
run on her skin
play on her legs
and eat her food.
Discovering her again for the first time.
Oh how I had forgotten her
how I had forgotten everything
The process that I went through eventually became a part of me
and has inspired me endlessly
expanding me into other realms
in ways I never could have seen or imagined
I found that is what happens when I stop trying to look ahead
The story begins to unravel
as I choose to commit to a direction.
I chose stepping into the universal roller coaster of time
and then feel
every step of the ride
breathing in every moment
each feeding the next
as everything in the universe conspires to make this the most extraordinary experience possible
every breath and sound
every action and thought
playing into the script of life.
And then I choose again
My disease turned out to be my greatest co-creator
pushing me to take risks and into places I perhaps never would have gone
All along it was just trying to tell me I was precious.
That time was precious.
That I was worthy
and that this life is worth living.
I saw that the world wants to play with me
But I have to stop looking backwards
and stop surviving and start living
start writing again
start sharing again
start playing again
start creating again
start dancing again
and singing again
and remember who and what I am
I see now that what I've been doing all these years isn't helping people with their disease trauma or emotional struggles
as much as I have been helping others and myself remember who we are why we read these stories
and that we can write a new story
as we feel safe enough
and inspired enough
to become conscious creators again.
To create the story that we want to tell.
The story of you.
As every chair sunset and breeze eagerly waits to be a part of the story
because life wants us to live
because life wants to write epic stories
because we are grand co-creators.
It's just can we hear it
Do you remember that we are designed to feel
all of it
in every moment
and with everything
to see what life has been trying to do for us
all along thinking pain is life trying to hurt me
but in truth it is just been trying to crack me open again
to remember how to feel again
and what truly matters
what did you learn and how much did you love
what is the story that you want to live
what is the story that you feel everywhere
that radiates from you
to such a degree that it affects everyone and everything that you touch
all of us
a part of it
A life that will perhaps one day inspire another
or end up on some small book rack sitting quietly add a checkout line
and a random grocery store
and save someone else's life
not because they were cured
as much as they were inspired to live again
to write again in the grand book of life and contribute again
to the extraordinary story of what it is to be human
and discover what is possible
because it is all possible
and when we do that
when we change our story
and say yes to the new one
and honor the old
it has to change
and it does
so buckle up
pick up a pen and say yes to that thing that you feel everywhere
and breathe it into you
let it infect your soul
with such passion
and curiosity that you have to ask
and see what is possible
and how much fun it truly can have
choose your life
choose to live
choose that thing you feel
it is why we're here
It is why you are here.