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A Poem About Hope: Page 132

A Poem: Page 132

At a time of great despair I was looking for hope

I was looking for something to hold on to

I wanted something outside of myself to tell me that it was going to be OK

that I was going to be OK

I wanted to know the end of the story.

I wanted to know If I made the right choice.

I wanted to know if I had time left.

I just wanted to know.

As a youth I used to read the choose your own adventure series

scouring through the tales

always looking ahead to see the end of each option before I officially chose

because I didn't want to die

I didn't want to be wrong

and I didn't want the story to end.

Though this time it wasn't a book

or was it

Even if it was I knew not how to look ahead

The pages were locked

Blank until they made a commitment to write the next chapter.

I had to choose what direction it would go.

All vastly different options each having their own set of initial obstacles fears and possibilities

Each one a different story to be written

They all felt like cliffs scoured with small pockets of water between the huge jagged rocks far below

Except one

One felt like space still frightening but only because it was a complete mystery

A void that felt foreign

out of control




and fascinating

Fear and pain was replaced with curiosity and the unknown

Which I found strangely comforting

Enough to jump.

So I stepped into space

this unknown land

it was unlike anything I'd ever done before

And the stakes were as high as they had ever been.

It didn't make sense but it made perfect sense

because it was the only one that I felt everywhere

it was the only one that created a sense of wonder

was it the right one?

I didn't know

I didn't even know what the right one meant anymore

perhaps that I would survive or that I would live

if you choose to step into the void turn to page 132 and you choose to step on the cliffs turn to page 97

I chose page 132

this time without looking.

It's funny how things show up

in the middle of it all I stood silently

a gaze



just holding on

waiting in a space of numbed silence

in constant chaos

in a supermarket

in the checkout line

in myself when I saw a book it felt like an unlikely home for hope

in a moment of fuck it.

I grabbed it

a small collection of stories pages filled with the journeys of those who had passed over only to return to share their extraordinary experiences with us

and on this day

with me

They were experiences that in truth I know have no words

though the ones in this book were more than sufficient.

I read ravenously pealing away at the pages like a child watching a movie for the first time

I thought I was reading an attempt to come to peace with all the possibilities

to find anything but fear or even just to sleep through the night

If only once replacing my relentless full body sweat soaked night terrors with anything else but

please unicorns puppy dogs ice cream trucks

As constant as my terrors were

it felt like they were trying to tell me something through language I did not yet speak

or Perhaps I couldn't yet hear

I couldn't see past my fears.

My translator was broken.

Whatever the reason I read it gave me peace

even if it was only for a moment

even if it was just a distraction

for a moment

where I was thinking about something else

anything else it was a moment that provided a sense of bliss

that lasted for days

as I got lost in the stillness of another person’s journey

with death I suddenly felt understood

and in a strange way felt heard

not alone

calming my heart

my imagination expanded my awareness into what felt possible

and when I was here for.

My body forgetting the story I’d been telling it for months

deep in the magic of this newfound freedom


and presence.

Then I suddenly saw something

a life raft hidden in the form of questions.

Buried on a page the letters spoke




revealing that some souls those who were away the longest were asked 2 questions

just 2.

How much did you learn and how much did you love

17 years ago that gave my hand in Oak tree

to firmly wrapped itself around as it wrapped around me

sinking its roots deep into the Earth

holding me here

maybe it saved my life

I don't know

I don't know

but when I read that

a long lost part of me began to remember

In my quest to understand others

I began to understand myself.

It gave me purpose

A way of understanding why it were mattered it was a little life raft to hold on to

if only for a moment

so I could again enjoy this moment

so I could see anything else but my fears

so I could see possibility not to stay alive but actually live

so I could feel the playfulness of the water rolling under my pack

as it held me taking me to unseen foreign lands

so I could feel the vibrant nourishing warmth of the sun's hands

holding my face

so I could feel the cool and wind

tease my skin alive again

and so I could eagerly dance again

on the earth

her beautiful dynamic playground that has

for eons

been trying to nourish me

watching me

giving me space to create wondering what I would do next

to see what we can do together

as I travel across the vast seas

she lovingly awaited my return in the distance

hoping that in my desperation and separation

I would again appreciate her gifts

run on her skin

play on her legs

and eat her food.

Discovering her again for the first time.

Oh how I had forgotten her

how I had forgotten everything

until now

The process that I went through eventually became a part of me

and has inspired me endlessly

expanding me into other realms

in ways I never could have seen or imagined

I found that is what happens when I stop trying to look ahead

The story begins to unravel

as I choose to commit to a direction.

Page 132

I chose stepping into the universal roller coaster of time




and surrender

and then feel

every step of the ride

breathing in every moment

each feeding the next

as everything in the universe conspires to make this the most extraordinary experience possible

every breath and sound

every action and thought

playing into the script of life.

Of me

And then I choose again

My disease turned out to be my greatest co-creator

pushing me to take risks and into places I perhaps never would have gone

All along it was just trying to tell me I was precious.

That time was precious.

That I was worthy

and that this life is worth living.

I saw that the world wants to play with me

But I have to stop looking backwards

and stop surviving and start living

start writing again

start sharing again

start playing again

start creating again

start dancing again

and singing again

and remember who and what I am

I see now that what I've been doing all these years isn't helping people with their disease trauma or emotional struggles

as much as I have been helping others and myself remember who we are why we read these stories

and that we can write a new story

as we feel safe enough

and inspired enough

to become conscious creators again.

To create the story that we want to tell.

The story of you.

Of us.

Of everything.

As every chair sunset and breeze eagerly waits to be a part of the story

because life wants us to live

because life wants to write epic stories

because we are grand co-creators.

It's just can we hear it

Do you remember that we are designed to feel

to play

to love

to help

to serve

to give

to receive

all of it



in every moment

and with everything

to see what life has been trying to do for us

all along thinking pain is life trying to hurt me

but in truth it is just been trying to crack me open again

to remember how to feel again

and what truly matters

what did you learn and how much did you love

what is the story that you want to live

what is the story that you feel everywhere

that radiates from you

to such a degree that it affects everyone and everything that you touch

making us

all of us

a part of it

A life that will perhaps one day inspire another

or end up on some small book rack sitting quietly add a checkout line

and a random grocery store

and save someone else's life

not because they were cured

as much as they were inspired to live again

to write again in the grand book of life and contribute again

to the extraordinary story of what it is to be human

and discover what is possible

because it is all possible

and when we do that

when we change our story

and say yes to the new one

and honor the old

everything changes

it has to change

and it does

your health

your mind

your emotions

your heart

your story

your life

the world

so buckle up

pick up a pen and say yes to that thing that you feel everywhere

and breathe it into you

let it infect your soul

with such passion


and curiosity that you have to ask

and see what is possible

and how much fun it truly can have

choose your life

choose to live

choose that thing you feel



every day

it is why we're here

It is why you are here.

Page 132

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